Is trust over-rated at the workplace ?

Trust begins with one's own self

Pic from Net

Article first published in +Medium Click here


Trust as a function of leadership — is a current flavour of the season. It is not really a new concept or discovery. But, as in life so in organisations ideas keep coming back. There is, probably, a larger existential reason for it. Over time – values wither to a point of being dysfunctional – that is when nature’s own correction mechanism sets in to restore balance.
Corporate culture was never selfless. Dog eat dog is an old adage. Far from eschewing canine meat in favour of healthier alternatives — the pressures of quarterly results and investors breathing hot air through the ducts of the Boardroom have made organisations more ruthless. Consequently. – professional shelf-lives are shrinking putting ambitious youngsters on an overdrive. In an age of fitness mania – the proverbial rat-race has changed into a sprint up the stairs of a high-rise. In their frenetic rush to reach the sky – there is little time to cultivate deeper personal values for most. Andy Grove of Intel wrote “only the paranoid survive”. Doubt if by that he meant personal paranoia and insecurity — which frequently manifest among today’s C-suite executives.
The result of course is not difficult to predict – fast burn-outs, messed up personal lives and relationships, psycho-somatic ailments and personality disorders. The bottle, sedatives and in some cases substance of abuse (read drugs) are just an arm’s length away. Along the way it wrecks havoc in organisations and families.

So, where does trust come in all this ?

Pic from Net

Was chatting with an old friend and once colleague — who is hanging up his boots from active corporate life after fairly long and illustrious career — that took him quite close to the corner office but not inside one. Since this was a day after his farewell he was in a somewhat reflective mood. In the past 30 years our professional paths had crossed a few times and we did travel together as co-farers on the some stretched of the lonely road. Therefore, we had several data-points to exchange.
We talked of leaders we both admired and even those we did not — despite, in some cases, their truly outstanding successes. We also discussed colleagues — some who had moved ahead and others who were left behind or remained stuck. He shared a few recent snippets — that left me a trifle disturbed as it briefly shattered the image I had of some people. That led me to ponder over worlds like trust, betrayal, loyalty and gratitude.

Here are a few jottings in no particular order of importance:

1. Trust is what everyone expects from people but not many are able to place it on others;
2. Both developing trust and feeling the need to trust (others) comes with age and (life) experience; As we grow older — the illusions of invincibility get toned down and we become aware not just of our limitations but also — albeit at a sub conscious level — mortality. But, those with higher Emotional Intelligence tend to mature faster and realise that these softer human values are the true and enduring differentiators of leadership.
3. Like most human traits — trust is part nature and part nurture. It is important to strike a balance between the two. Sometimes nature has to be corrected or compensated by nurture;
4. Don’t be naive; But, don’t be cynical either. And, certainly don’t become bitter if let down or betrayed by someone you trusted;
5. Do not expect anything in return from trusting people; Most importantly do not look for loyalty from people you trust. People are loyal to their needs and not to individuals;
6. The rewards of trust does not come by way of gratitude or even accomplishment — but through internal growth that takes one to the next level of self-actualisation;
7. Not everyone can bear the burden of gratitude; Being grateful requires genuine strength of character — to accept one’s own vulnerability and weakness which is not easy;
8. Remember the number of times others have trusted you unilaterally; how that made you feel and how it shaped your attitude towards them; How often did you go back to thank them?
9. Trust is not weakness it is means strength; It is about taking risks, making mistakes and preparedness to accept failure (for trusting the wrong person); That is the hall mark of true leaders — that sets apart the stars in a crowd of wannabes and losers.
10. Never look back — if you trust someone and he/she has delivered say ‘thank you’ and move on.; if they have failed to deliver despite best efforts — say thank you all the more and if they have betrayed or let you down — buy them a drink as in the process made you wiser and a better human being;

Finally, trust is all about us. Before trusting others we must learn to love and trust our own self. Once we are able to do that — the rest becomes easy. Does not matter if those you once trusted think you are hallucinating — because the joke will then be on them.

#Trust #Leadership #Gratitude #Coaching #Psychology

Birthday Blues

Article first published in +Medium Click here


When young, Birthdays are occasions for having fun. As one grows older — they become days of reflection. Whether that is a sign of age or maturity is difficult to say — but most certainly there are intimations of mortality at play in the sub-conscious. Perhaps, it is the same realisation of days being numbered that once again make people look forward to birthday celebrations as more years go by. But, even then there must be those undercurrents of reflections and reminiscences.

I am probably at the cusp of such a transition — because I found myself more in the zone of looking back at the year that has gone by than really thinking of what lies ahead. Partly, it may be because — the last one year has been one of the most rewarding and enriching for me in many ways (not just materially — though bit of that too, to be honest). Most importantly, I experienced personal growth — which makes me feel that I am in a better place in life today than a year ago.

This triggered two trains of thought. Rewinding slowly the last 20–25 years (may be called the prime period of my life) — I was remembering some of the miserable periods that I have gone through. In retrospect — it seemed amazing that I could get past those turbulent phases without losing total equanimity. At the same time — it was instructive to ponder upon when the ride was smoother, what helped — circumstances or effort ? Tried gleaning some lessons both from the rough and raisin patches, which I felt like sharing more as a mark of gratitude and tribute to those from whom I imbibed them overtly or subliminally. I will not mention any names. They are people living or long gone, some characters from fiction, lives of people read in books — biographies of the great or memoirs of people who have achieved or seen a lot in life but had feet of clay.

• Turning inward — In the ultimate analysis we all have to dive deep within ourselves to find answers and strength. It is imperative to create what is now fashionably called  “me time” — so as not to lose touch with one’s inner self. Each one has their own way of doing this — through internal or external means. Some achieve it through — reading, meditation, prayer. Others through activities — be it sport, workout, listening to music. Visiting temples, listening to spiritual discourses or devotional music may be another way. But, it is important to check that the activity itself doesn’t take over the purpose becoming an end in itself rather than a means to finding something more meaningful. Self-nourishment is not just a prescription for sustenance but also a tonic for self-renewal;

• Self-awareness: How little attention we pay to ourselves — be it our health, thoughts or emotional states. We become aware only after — we are hit by unpleasant outcome — be it illness, anger outbursts, negative thoughts. Successful people are supposed to be high on self-awareness. I have lost out a lot in life — both personally and professionally — for not being conscious of my own feelings and sensations (emotional and physical) as they arose before going out of hand or 'losing it' as they say. “Mindfulness” is the fashionable term these days — thanks to the Cambodian Buddhist Monk — Thich Nhat Hanh. But, it is a concept that has been there in all religions since the beginning of time — yet so difficult to practice. Far from having mastered it even to the first degree — I have found that simply being aware does help to deal with the feelings and emotional responses. Wish I had discovered this much, much earlier.

• Confront the feelings and Seek Help: A natural extension of self-awareness is confronting the issues. Just like we do not hesitate to see a doctor for physical ailments — problems of the mind should not be left unattended either. Over time — I am a great believer in therapy (psycho) and, won’t hesitate to say, I have personally benefitted from it. It not only helps to improve the quality of our own lives but also those around us. If therapy has to be accompanied by medication — so be it. Shying away from treatment can be foolish. I know of many a tragedy among friends and family which could have been averted by timely professional (health-care) intervention.

• Re-engineering the self — Life is not just about self-improvement. While there is no end for self-improvement — after a while it not only starts yielding diminishing returns but also becomes boring. Ultimately, most of us are not in the race for Olympic Gold Medals or Wimbledon Championship — in our chosen calling in life. Those who make it to the top — high fives and best wishes to them. For the rest of us — it is ok to fall short and yet possible to live happily. But, we can’t push ourselves to a dead end and withdraw from life — which would turn us into losers. Therefore, as we go along it is important to re-engineer ourselves even if in small doses. If at 60 — we remain the same as when we were 40 one has wrong somewhere and need course correction. I have always admired people who have been able to reinvent themselves over the years. The most remarkable among them have managed to do it more than 2 or 3 times — and they are simply awesome.

• Invest in yourself: Typically — not sure if it is an Indian middle-class mindset — we feel guilty of investing in ourselves, not just in terms of money but also committing time. We have been conditioned to think that anything we do outside or work-space or home-front — we are short-changing either our employers or the family. I think Westerners do it much better. Picking up a new skill — be it a sport, language, hobby or craft — can be not just a liberating experience but also an self-empowering one. I did take up a course recently — my first in 30 years after leaving college — and I do feel a sense of internal rejuvenation already. When one thinks about it — it was just a matter of forcing myself to find time for it;

• Relationships: Friendship and Socialising are at a discount in my book. In my view, it spreads our emotions too thin and make us superficial. However, it is important to cultivate a few strong meaningful relationships. Never mind even if they are just a few. And, it is ok if those do not last forever — as both should have the freedom to move on, which is a part of growth. Often, relationships are confused with attachment and dependence. Those are limiting factors and ultimately lead to claustrophobia and suffocation. Space is essential for souls to grow. Ultimately, relationships are more about the soul than the mind or body. It is important to realise, and more importantly, to accept that.

• Keep a journal : A journal serves many purposes. It is therapeutic and cathartic. Cleanses the muck from the mind as well as distills experience. Also serves as a Ledger for counting our blessings and keep a gratitude tally.

Finally, it is indeed all about me. But, without the “me” the rest does not exist. So, we need to sort out ourselves first before we think of helping others or changing the world.

There is a thin line of difference between being selfish and mean. This I call — the art of being benignly selfish.

Thanks for being there.

Depression the Common Cold of the Mind?

Depression is not a Common Cold of the Mind

Very disturbed since last night hearing about a friend, virtual neighbour and former colleague (a contemporary) who has gone missing from his house in (Bombay). Member of the top leadership team of the company - he decided to move on last year anticipating a career dead-end. He went back to his earlier employers - probably taking a pay cut and compromising on the level as well. Prior to that - he had a troubled stint, when he was sent-off to a remote location for a project that should have been handled by someone several notches lower and younger (He is 55). The strain and loneliness of living in the boondocks - for weeks away from the family (2 college going kids and spouse) tensions on the job and toxic bosses - must have taken its toll and, I suspect, he went into acute depression - which was probably aggravated after the job change (and associated loss of self-esteem).

Fast forward. It seems he left his house in shorts, Tee Shirt and Chappals - not even carrying his purse and phone on Thursday and has been untraceable since then.
We are all praying and hoping - he is found and comes back home safe and sound - but the portents are ominous.

The purpose of this post (apart from sharing my grief and mental distress) is to bring home the risks of leaving Depression untreated. Even in educated and affluent circles - we still refuse to recognise Depression as a Mental Health issue. While we're quick to rush to Doctors and Hospitals for other Medical conditions - depression and other mental ailments (such as OCD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia) are still taboo in society.

The problem, of course, is to find a good Mental Health Professional and Therapist. But, thankfully the field is opening up and people are less hesitant to seek help. But, there are still risks of falling into the hands of trigger-happy psychiatrists or indiscriminate use of anti-depressants by General Physicians - who understand little about the subject.

The worst is buying OTC (Over the Counter) medicines like Alprazolam and other anxiety relieving drugs or sedatives that are dispensed freely dispensed by the friendly neighbourhood chemists. These usually have short "half-life" and severe withdrawal symptoms that are often not recognised by patients and lead to further aggravation.

With our present lifestyles, studies, work, family and social pressures - Depression has almost become endemic in society and the work-place. Some call it the "Common Cold of the Mind". While it is fine to advocate - prevention techniques (Meditation, Yoga, Exercise etc) - once afflicted one should not neglect it and it is, arguably, best to go for conventional therapy and seek qualified professional help.

Enlightened and progressive employers and educational institutions - should provide counselling and psychologists on their rolls. Treatment for mental health issues should be supported like any other physical ailment.

But, a big responsibility rests with the family - parents, spouse and even children (if they are grown up). Where friends and colleagues can help - is in making them (or even the families are resistant) overcome the inhibition to go for therapy and treatment.
Time we started recognising depression and other psychological disorders - like any other lifestyle related afflictions - diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol etc - and not leave it unattended.

Please also read and share my earlier piece on the same subject published 
in @DailyO_  Click on : Deepika's Dips

Deepika's Dips

A few days back I had tweeted in jest – is it ok to lust over someone who one has seen as a baby? The reference was to the young ‘Diva’ Deepika Padukone. As a toddler, she used to come regularly to my then boss’ apartment – neighbour of the Padukones in Bangalore - to play with their daughters.  After the “cleavage” controversy Deepika made news again by talking openly about her recent tryst with depression (click here to read article) .  This is the kind of new-age women – good looking, successful and sharp - who don’t hesitate to talk freely about her body, mind (and ‘soul’?) -  I like and, perhaps, given a chance may have fallen for :)

But, I won’t dwell here on how brave it was of Deepika to discuss problem of emotional dip with a journalist. Nor will I embark upon an analysis  of how or why actors (especially the women) are prone to psychological disorders  - as a lady columnist ( who started her career as an editor of a film-magazine)  did - sadly mixing up schizophrenia (of another talented and beautiful Bollywood actor of the 80s) with clinical depression.

At the outset, I must make the disclosure that I am neither a psychologist nor psychiatrist and, hence, not technically qualified to write on what is a subject for specialists.  Mine’s an entirely layman’s point of view – based on observations of people around me at work, family and social circles and, above all, myself.

What I found remarkable in Deepika’s case – apart from her own openness to recognise the problem and seek professional help – was the supportive role of her mother. According to Deepika’s own account – on one of her visits to Mumbai, her mother sensed something was amiss and on returning to Bangalore consulted a psychologist friend who flew down to assess her condition and put her on therapy.

Many of these psychological problems start early.  In today’s world conditions like ADD / ADHD are common-place.  Stress and anxiety sometimes manifest into other disorders like OCD. Timely intervention can save many a careers (and, in case, of acute depression even lives). Parents and teachers are best placed to identify it. But, they seldom do – either out of ignorance (very often) or shyness to accept that something could be wrong with their child or ward. Teachers are often afraid about hostile reactions from parents.  What are tackled are more obvious issues like Drugs and addictions – but that too not always in time.

Very often these are borderline disorders that don’t require any serious clinical intervention at all and can be solved by counselling and talk-therapy (like CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) .  But, the problem is the lack of such resources in our schools and colleges and the lack of accessibility to competent professionals, also the taboo associated with seeing psychologist or psychiatrist in our society. 

There have been occasions – when I have advised young relatives and colleagues to seek professional help for their children. Needless to say not all have taken to it kindly – others listen politely to give it a royal ignore – but few have done it to good effect. The problem always is to find a good doctor or counsellor. But, with some effort help is usually not far to seek.

But, what bothers me a lot more are cases I have seen during my now fairly long work career – where very talented individuals have been trapped and often lost their way both in personal and professional life due to psychological issues.  As people tend to live away from home, in unitary families and often alone (without traditional support-systems), maintain stressful and punishing work schedules psychological issues are on the rise.  While the more progressive organisations have been alive to “Occupational Health” – it seldom includes psychological health.  Few organisations would allow Medical Reimbursement for consulting medical health professionals or psychiatry related medicines (in most cases – employees will be reluctant to claim it too for fear of their condition getting known).  Attitude of HR and senior management towards psychological conditions is also viewed with suspicion.

Yet, it is surprising how many people don’t attain their full potential or operate far below par – due to psychological issues (either of themselves or close family members ) pulling them back. Depression – often called the ‘common cold of the mind’ – is of course rampant – but there are also cases of Bi-polar Disorders, Anxiety and Panic Attacks or problems associated with mid-career or mid-life crisis that can become career-limiting. This is where employers have a responsibility to step in and provide professional help of a "shrink"as it were - to use an American parlance.

I myself – candidly – could have benefited from therapy.  My own first exposure to psychology was from a catholic priest of my school – who himself in the throes of ‘mid-life crisis’ took a sabbatical and went to the US to pursue a course in psychology. He returned to realise – many of his fellow face similar psychological issues and need help. This led to his setting up a Psychological Institute within the “order” – which was originally intended for the priests but now has a flourishing general practice.

Though for some a look at Deepika can be the best therapy to get out of depression – often  it requires more serious intervention than that . Ultimately, things can only improve with awareness. And, for that lovely Deepika has done more than her bit.

Take a bow Deepika. 

The article was first published in the The Daily_O Click here to read