Toxic Bosses

Prologue: A passing mention of "Toxic Bosses" in my previous blog-post "Depression is not a common-cold of the Mind" - triggered a lot of reactions among friends and readers. Many wrote to say, the article had resonated with them and they could empathise with the individual and the situation - understanding where I was coming from, so to speak. Among them were also few former colleagues - who were upset thinking it was a veiled insinuation at a certain individual - who is their current boss and whom they obviously held in great esteem - and rose to the person's defence with rejoinders. One of them said, it's unfair to blame a boss for one's own lack "Managing Up" competency - something the correspondent must be obviously good at considering the alacrity of response in 'standing-up' impromptu for the boss.

This article was, however, conceived and written much before that. For a long time, I have been contemplating doing a series on Organisation and Leadership Issues from a practising manager's perspective. Having worked across industries for over 30 years now - I thought there may be a few insights to offer and experiences to share that may be of interest to the younger generation as they make their way through the labyrinth of modern VUCA organisations - which are full of ambiguity and uncertainty - with few to hold their hand through the journey. Recently, I did an obituary of a marketing doyen who passed away - under whom I had the privilege of working in the so-called "nappy days" of my career. A close comrade, who happened to like that piece and an older one on another "Management Guru" suggested I do profiles of some remarkable people (the great, the good and the ugly) one had worked with and cull out leadership lessons from them.

Here's a modest and tentative beginning - hopefully, it will fall into the groove in the coming weeks after a few more pieces. I crave your indulgence, candid feedback and critique

Prozac is not the answer

One seldom likes the boss.

In a long career – there are only a few bosses one really comes to love. But, equally there are not many one who actually hates. Even if one didn’t enjoy working under some of them- over time the dislike wanes and one is able to understand where they were coming from and accept as human beings with their own set of failings and limitations.  Only a few leave a deep scar that doesn’t go away easily and one finds difficult to forget or forgive them even after many years.

Contrary to popular perception a toxic boss needn’t always be loud and rude. In fact, Type A personalities are often not toxic at all. Their volatility and temper tantrums are usually enough to burn up the pent up aflatoxins in the system. Similarly, hard taskmasters and workaholic bosses – though painful and taxing to work for – aren’t necessarily venomous. In fact, Toxic Bosses (let’s call them TBs) needn’t fit into any traditional boss stereotypes at all. They come in various avatars.

There is one common and essential characteristic of TBs – they unfailingly damage (and in extreme cases destroy) the self-esteem of their subordinates and teams. There are multiple ways TBs work on this – the commonest being making people below feel insecure and inadequate – being unjustly critical of their work and unappreciative of contributions. In extreme situations, this could even take the form of personal humiliation. Appropriating or denying credit for work done by juniors is second nature to TBs.

In all cases – their behaviour is underscored by a lack of respect for people, which goes against the grain of professionalism and basic human values. By nature, TBs are distrustful of others (except the odd sycophant – even their utility is time bound and come with ‘best before’ dates – unless there are secrets to keep) and don’t let others get comfortable around them. TBs are adept at the “Lick and Kick” game   – ‘lick’ the bosses and ‘kick’ the subordinate.

It is a given that TBs are supremely selfish and have no qualms of treating people as Tea bags (‘use and throw’). That also makes them manipulative. But, the problem is not as much in ‘using’ as it is in making them feel ‘used’. A smart leader – also uses people but make employees feel rewarded. It’s famously said of an iconic CEO of one of the oldest MNCs in India – people came out grinning from his room looking as if they have got a raise or bonus – when actually he just doubled their target.

By definition TBs are not transparent in their dealings. But, sometimes they can make it work to their advantage by coming across as extremely suave – especially to external stakeholders carefully cloaking their vicious element under a veneer of sophistication. These are the more dangerous of the species – who often also have integrity problems – both intellectual and financial.

Behavioural experts can reason – TBs are products of a deeply insecure psyche. Some may even attribute it to troubled childhood – which makes them the way they are. There will always be the “nature vs. nurture” debate and without doubt upbringing and formative experiences have a significant impact in shaping personality and leadership styles. However, at a more basic level they are afflicted by supreme ambition not backed by commensurate competencies. TBs are acutely aware of the fact that they have reached where they are not by merit but either by accident or manipulation. This makes them deeply anxious, as they know fortune does not always favour the creep – they fall back on machinations at the cost of their minions and organizational health.

So how does one deal with toxic bosses? Many wise men will advise – it is ‘Karma’ - so “what can’t be cured must be endured”. While that might be true to an extent – a fatalistic “surrender” is not the answer and may actually compound the misery. Sneaking on the boss – even TBs – never work in a corporate culture and bitching is even worse as word inevitably gets around. One can safely assume that if a person has reached a certain level in an organization – his own bosses can’t be blind to his style of functioning. If they are still allowing him to continue (despite feedback or 360 degree appraisals) somewhere the assets in his “professional” balanced scorecard still weighs over the negatives. With organizations themselves becoming more and more myopic in their outlook (notwithstanding what Management literature might advocate) – when the next quarter determines the CEOs fortunes - there is premium on short-term delivery. Unfortunate but true – not many of today’s star CEOs care more about their own shooting careers than sinking organizational morale. Nothing succeeds like success, they say in the corporate world. Therefore, usually – it is equally pointless – to take up “boss-subordinate” relationship with HR – unless there is a genuine case of “harassment” – sexual or mental.

The first principle is to ‘push-back’ – but in a polished professional and dignified manner (sometime putting responses on mails help – as it does keep a trail). Bullies usually tend to back off if challenged – just as they see submission as a sign of vulnerability and weakness. The important message to be conveyed – preferably right at the start (the ancient adage – of killing the cat on the first night) – is you are the master of your own destiny and not willing to hand-over its reins to anyone else – no matter how powerful he or she may be. Thereafter, it’s best to negotiate the terms of engagement and stick to them steadfastly - bringing the dealings back on track whenever they tend to stray off course.  And. always without fail claim and record credit for good work. Another good strategy, is to gain visibility outside one’s own Department with other functions and members of the senior leadership team. This can sometime provide an insurance cover against unilateral actions of a devious boss.

But, the real trick is not to allow the boss get under the skin and start affecting emotional wellbeing. For this, personal techniques – be it counting 10 before responding or meditation – are handy tools. But, if the going gets tough seeking coaching or counselling is an option worth considering. Techniques like CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) can do wonders.

Finally – much as old timers will say – “You can’t hose your father or your boss” – one always has the option of leaving them. But, do it at a time of one’s own choosing – not forced by the boss or cracking down under pressure. Nothing riles a TB more than someone pulling the plug off him without notice by a sort and sweet resignation letter.

That of course, is the last resort. But, there’s no job worth sacrificing one’s health – mental or physical – no matter what may be the financial compulsions. I have done it myself a couple of times in the last 30 years and never had to regret it. The sense of “liberation” one feels after exercising the ‘choice’ of freedom – has to be experienced to be believed.

Article first published in @hrkatha.com click here to read

Depression the Common Cold of the Mind?

Depression is not a Common Cold of the Mind

Very disturbed since last night hearing about a friend, virtual neighbour and former colleague (a contemporary) who has gone missing from his house in (Bombay). Member of the top leadership team of the company - he decided to move on last year anticipating a career dead-end. He went back to his earlier employers - probably taking a pay cut and compromising on the level as well. Prior to that - he had a troubled stint, when he was sent-off to a remote location for a project that should have been handled by someone several notches lower and younger (He is 55). The strain and loneliness of living in the boondocks - for weeks away from the family (2 college going kids and spouse) tensions on the job and toxic bosses - must have taken its toll and, I suspect, he went into acute depression - which was probably aggravated after the job change (and associated loss of self-esteem).

Fast forward. It seems he left his house in shorts, Tee Shirt and Chappals - not even carrying his purse and phone on Thursday and has been untraceable since then.
We are all praying and hoping - he is found and comes back home safe and sound - but the portents are ominous.

The purpose of this post (apart from sharing my grief and mental distress) is to bring home the risks of leaving Depression untreated. Even in educated and affluent circles - we still refuse to recognise Depression as a Mental Health issue. While we're quick to rush to Doctors and Hospitals for other Medical conditions - depression and other mental ailments (such as OCD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia) are still taboo in society.

The problem, of course, is to find a good Mental Health Professional and Therapist. But, thankfully the field is opening up and people are less hesitant to seek help. But, there are still risks of falling into the hands of trigger-happy psychiatrists or indiscriminate use of anti-depressants by General Physicians - who understand little about the subject.

The worst is buying OTC (Over the Counter) medicines like Alprazolam and other anxiety relieving drugs or sedatives that are dispensed freely dispensed by the friendly neighbourhood chemists. These usually have short "half-life" and severe withdrawal symptoms that are often not recognised by patients and lead to further aggravation.

With our present lifestyles, studies, work, family and social pressures - Depression has almost become endemic in society and the work-place. Some call it the "Common Cold of the Mind". While it is fine to advocate - prevention techniques (Meditation, Yoga, Exercise etc) - once afflicted one should not neglect it and it is, arguably, best to go for conventional therapy and seek qualified professional help.

Enlightened and progressive employers and educational institutions - should provide counselling and psychologists on their rolls. Treatment for mental health issues should be supported like any other physical ailment.

But, a big responsibility rests with the family - parents, spouse and even children (if they are grown up). Where friends and colleagues can help - is in making them (or even the families are resistant) overcome the inhibition to go for therapy and treatment.
Time we started recognising depression and other psychological disorders - like any other lifestyle related afflictions - diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol etc - and not leave it unattended.

Please also read and share my earlier piece on the same subject published 
in @DailyO_  Click on : Deepika's Dips

Deepika's Dips

A few days back I had tweeted in jest – is it ok to lust over someone who one has seen as a baby? The reference was to the young ‘Diva’ Deepika Padukone. As a toddler, she used to come regularly to my then boss’ apartment – neighbour of the Padukones in Bangalore - to play with their daughters.  After the “cleavage” controversy Deepika made news again by talking openly about her recent tryst with depression (click here to read article) .  This is the kind of new-age women – good looking, successful and sharp - who don’t hesitate to talk freely about her body, mind (and ‘soul’?) -  I like and, perhaps, given a chance may have fallen for :)

But, I won’t dwell here on how brave it was of Deepika to discuss problem of emotional dip with a journalist. Nor will I embark upon an analysis  of how or why actors (especially the women) are prone to psychological disorders  - as a lady columnist ( who started her career as an editor of a film-magazine)  did - sadly mixing up schizophrenia (of another talented and beautiful Bollywood actor of the 80s) with clinical depression.

At the outset, I must make the disclosure that I am neither a psychologist nor psychiatrist and, hence, not technically qualified to write on what is a subject for specialists.  Mine’s an entirely layman’s point of view – based on observations of people around me at work, family and social circles and, above all, myself.

What I found remarkable in Deepika’s case – apart from her own openness to recognise the problem and seek professional help – was the supportive role of her mother. According to Deepika’s own account – on one of her visits to Mumbai, her mother sensed something was amiss and on returning to Bangalore consulted a psychologist friend who flew down to assess her condition and put her on therapy.

Many of these psychological problems start early.  In today’s world conditions like ADD / ADHD are common-place.  Stress and anxiety sometimes manifest into other disorders like OCD. Timely intervention can save many a careers (and, in case, of acute depression even lives). Parents and teachers are best placed to identify it. But, they seldom do – either out of ignorance (very often) or shyness to accept that something could be wrong with their child or ward. Teachers are often afraid about hostile reactions from parents.  What are tackled are more obvious issues like Drugs and addictions – but that too not always in time.

Very often these are borderline disorders that don’t require any serious clinical intervention at all and can be solved by counselling and talk-therapy (like CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) .  But, the problem is the lack of such resources in our schools and colleges and the lack of accessibility to competent professionals, also the taboo associated with seeing psychologist or psychiatrist in our society. 

There have been occasions – when I have advised young relatives and colleagues to seek professional help for their children. Needless to say not all have taken to it kindly – others listen politely to give it a royal ignore – but few have done it to good effect. The problem always is to find a good doctor or counsellor. But, with some effort help is usually not far to seek.

But, what bothers me a lot more are cases I have seen during my now fairly long work career – where very talented individuals have been trapped and often lost their way both in personal and professional life due to psychological issues.  As people tend to live away from home, in unitary families and often alone (without traditional support-systems), maintain stressful and punishing work schedules psychological issues are on the rise.  While the more progressive organisations have been alive to “Occupational Health” – it seldom includes psychological health.  Few organisations would allow Medical Reimbursement for consulting medical health professionals or psychiatry related medicines (in most cases – employees will be reluctant to claim it too for fear of their condition getting known).  Attitude of HR and senior management towards psychological conditions is also viewed with suspicion.

Yet, it is surprising how many people don’t attain their full potential or operate far below par – due to psychological issues (either of themselves or close family members ) pulling them back. Depression – often called the ‘common cold of the mind’ – is of course rampant – but there are also cases of Bi-polar Disorders, Anxiety and Panic Attacks or problems associated with mid-career or mid-life crisis that can become career-limiting. This is where employers have a responsibility to step in and provide professional help of a "shrink"as it were - to use an American parlance.

I myself – candidly – could have benefited from therapy.  My own first exposure to psychology was from a catholic priest of my school – who himself in the throes of ‘mid-life crisis’ took a sabbatical and went to the US to pursue a course in psychology. He returned to realise – many of his fellow face similar psychological issues and need help. This led to his setting up a Psychological Institute within the “order” – which was originally intended for the priests but now has a flourishing general practice.

Though for some a look at Deepika can be the best therapy to get out of depression – often  it requires more serious intervention than that . Ultimately, things can only improve with awareness. And, for that lovely Deepika has done more than her bit.

Take a bow Deepika. 

The article was first published in the The Daily_O Click here to read