Love, sex, marriage and polyamour

First published in +DailyO India Today click on this to read

A man learns at 55 as he did at 25 - especially when it comes to matters of love. Jairaj Singh - the editor of DailyO - taught me a new term "polyamorous" as distinct from polygamous or polyandrous in his fascinating piece.

In essence, polyamorous means having several sexual partners while remaining committed in a monogamous relationship - with the knowledge and/or permission of the partner.

It might sound like a repackaging of the '60s "open marriage" concept, wearing an extra wrapper of monogamy. Some may call it "cheating"- or, perhaps, nuance it a bit as "honest cheating" since it is done with the tacit consent of the "significant other". In the example cited, there is also a slightly strenuous attempt to distinguish it from a "one-night stand" by adding a dimension of "emotional connect".

It is often said marriage is an outdated institution - a format of human relationship that has not evolved over time. Successive societies have tried to tinker with its construct but haven't succeeded in changing the basic template. Yet, the subliminal urge to "beat the system" as it were has existed since time immemorial.

While society may view it otherwise, Darwinian social anthropologists find nothing unnatural about it. In his seminal book - The Red Queen - Matt Ridley brilliantly debunks the theory that marriage was devised for human reproduction. Apart from the "no brainer" of babies can be made even out of wedlock, Ridley explains how there are species which reproduce asexually. The real purpose of marriage, therefore, he argues conclusively is evolution - to keep the human genes a step ahead in the game. Ridley submits the apparently scandalous thesis - based on the solid foundation of Darwinian principles: we (both men and women) are designed for a system of monogamy plagued by adultery. Marriage, he asserts, is a "child rearing" institution and not, as generally assumed, a "child bearing" institution.

Coming back to the story of Mimi in Jairaj's piece - at a superficial level, it can be dismissed as a pragmatic understanding between partners caught in a long-distance relationship. Her insistence on "emotional connection" can be dismissed either as a mere excuse or simply a "turn-on" factor. In fact, Ridley himself talks in his book of how wit and intelligence are powerful instruments of seduction.

But, that's pure genetics. The point Jairaj's protagonist makes about how "we expect one person to be all things to us" hits at the crux of the issue. She explains, we want our partner to be "our lover, our spouse, our confidante, our saviour, our friend, our intellectual stimulant, our therapist, and how is that even possible? How can we impose so many expectations on one person without them falling short?"

At first, it might appear to be a modern day problem - where spouses have to often live apart for reasons like work or get little time to themselves due to either or both partners spending hours at work and in commute. In such situations, parallel relationships often develop to fill gaps which are not necessarily sexual to begin with. But as emotional closeness develops, these often naturally transgress into physical intimacy leading to complications.

However, living apart or spouses keeping long hours outside home whether on work or leisure is not a recent phenomenon. In earlier generations, it was mostly the male members who were away. That does not mean women did not have their share of polyamoury. But then, on either side, it was more a matter of passive acceptance or feigned ignorance.

I was discussing the same issue - before I read the article - with a friend from the advertising world a few days ago. He insightfully explained that three developments have changed the paradigm in recent times:
1. More women going out to and travelling on work;

2. Television (the "saas-bahu" serials);

3. cell phones and social media.

These three elements he feels have made women more aware and articulate about their own psychosexual needs. Many affairs (if one is allowed to lapse into that time-worn cliché) happen over cell-phones (WhatsApp and SMS) and social media. And, it is common for spouses to discover a cheating partner while scrolling down his or her smartphone inbox or while going through their Facebook account.

So finally it all boils down to "trust" as Jairaj's protagonist Mimi puts it. But, Matt Ridley contradicts this by saying "jealousy" is an essential ingredient of - not just heterosexual but also homosexual relationships. Then, where does it leave us - the age-old principle of "ignorance is bliss"?

Tagore puts it beautifully in his romantic classic, Shesher-Kobita (The Last Poem).

When asked if he will admit to his fiancée that he is having an affair with Labanya, Amit tells a young friend - "Yes, of course".

He asks, "what if she doesn't accept?"

To which Amit says, "then it will be my life-long mission to make her understand".

How?

Amit explains: people like to bathe at home and also to swim in the lake. Both are necessary - one utilitarian and the other romantic. Even if you have a well-appointed living room, in life, sometimes you need to step out into the garden and get a breath of the fresh air. Someday - hopefully - she will appreciate this "truth" herself.

Mimi's midnight swim in the pool with her one-night lover may have been a bit of this and that. As the wit at the neighbourhood pub said: "If children are entitled to their childhood, why not adults to adultery."

#Love, #Relationships, #Polyamoury

Feather-weight erotica

I finally succumbed. Friends and family know that there are a few things in life that leave me helplessly weak-kneed. There are some temptations in life I can’t resist for too long. Buying books is just one of them. So ignoring the hype generated by the ‘inspired’ reviews in every magazine and newspaper (including – surprisingly – a high-brow business newspaper, which even carried an excerpt click here to read), I picked up from the new Delhi Airport Bookshop what’s been touted as the first ever anthology of Indian Erotic Writing - Electric Feather: The Tranquebar Book Of Erotic Stories by Ruchir Joshi, Tranquebar Books. In the foreword ‘Indian’ has been qualified as “Indian (South Asian) authors writing in English”.

On the flight, a colleague traveling with me quickly flicked the copy but was equally prompt in returning it when we got off the plane – saying, he didn’t wish to take it home and get the wife all worked up (no pun intended). My lady at home was characteristically nonchalant. "Don't take it along on the long trip ahead", she counselled explaining that she thought it may not be very conducive to my current physical condition, following the minor surgical procedure I had undergone a few months ago.

So, I had to wait till my return last week before taking up the book. I liked Ruchir Joshi’s introduction. Though his justification for doing such an anthology was a trifle convoluted (and, unnecessary I thought), what I found interesting was his account of the reactions he evinced from different established authors whom he had approached for contributing to the collection. But, honestly I couldn’t proceed beyond the first 2 pages of any story that I tried. Each one was more juvenile and puerile than the other. To me they were the print equivalent of the crude desi-porn movies shot with hand held movie cameras that we saw in our college days – courtesy some adventurous classmates who dared to raid their parents’ closets (those were before the days of camcorders and video parlours).


Vernacular Treasures

In contrast, I remembered some of the lovely erotic passages one has read in modern Bengali literature – the writings of Samaresh Basu, Buddhadev Bose, Buddhadev Guha, Sunil Gangopadhyay and so many others. I am quite sure there are similar works in other Indian languages with strong literary traditions – Tamil, Kannada, Oriya, Assamese and, 'oh-how-can-I-forget' – Marathi, living in Mumbai, or even in Hindi, rising above the stereo type of the sleazy paperbacks one sees lined on pavement book shops.

Recently, I remember watching a TV documentary on a developing cult in Tamil literature of erotic poetry being written by a band of young women poets (SheWrite, A film by Anjali Monteiro & K P Jayasankar click here). I wonder, how much richer the collection could have been – if it included translations of real authors writing in real Indian languages. Perhaps, Mr Joshi – educated in one of Calcutta's so called "English Medium" Schools, may not have been exposed to these facets of modern Indian literature (Or else, he may have mildly moderated his assertions such as "we in the subcontinent still live trapped in a cat’s cradle of taboos and repressions").

More interesting than the book, I believe, was the launch event. Read about it here. But, for me the only silver lining is that, there could be life beyond blogging. One can always turn to writing facile erotica.

Sex in Shanghai

As I looked out of the window of my Room at the Xing Guo Radisson Plaza in Shanghai, for a few moments - I thought I was hallucinating. Where did the surreal sci-fi skyline of Pudong I saw the night before disappear ? Instead, there was now a view of the Tripureshwor junction in Kathmandu, complete with the stream of old reconditioned cabs, swarm of bi-cycles and two-wheelers. Rubbing my eyes and senses regained, it wasn't that hard to explain. After all, the affinity of the little kingdom towards its northern neighbours is well known and in anycase half of Kats has been re-built with Chinese aid - hence the red Chinese-brick and white awnings construction of the new government buildings. But, another cultural similarity - to be discovered a little later - was the Chinese proclivity to use their roads as public spitoons. How customs travel in the direction of the wind !!

The walk along the famous "bund" was another experience of deja-vu. This time tho' not of Kats but that of our very own Calcutta of yore ( except that, in Shanghai they've lifted the dusty tarpaulins put on during the Mao era to hide - what they still consider as - an embarassing past , restoring the pristine sheen with a new coat of paint; while in Calcutta our Bengali Marxists still find romance - if that were indeed allowed in Communism, sex certainly was, as we shall see in a bit - amidst squalid decay and dilapidation ) . A visit to the Shanghai History Museum across the river with life-size replicas and wax models would easily transport you back in time to vignettes of Calcutta in the early 1900s. The Huangpu river could well have been our old Hooghly, the bund - Outram Ghat or "Gangar Dhar" , and Wai-tan - the Strand Road with its string of old British Merchant Houses and Banks like Lloyds & Grindlays or StanChart in place of HSBC (which too was there within a stone's throw at Dalhousie ). And East Nanjing Road - without a doubt a sister of our very own Chowringhee with The Grand ( and the Great Eastern - not too far away ) in place of Shanghai's Astor House - which boasts a guest-list of Russel, Einstein and Chaplin.

Desperate to find a differentiator, I took a dive into the stairways of the tunnel and was instantly transported on a space-ship-like gondola through a psychedelic passage to Pudong - where a sign beckoned me to the "China Sex Cultural Museum". And ahoy, here was suddenly something unlike anything one can ever find either in Kats or Kol ( I believe that's the 'hip' new abbreviation for Kolkata - I presume, with no pun intended on the Bengali meaning of 'kol', with the loads of lascivious images it conjures up).

Targetted obviously at the tourists like yours truly who have a vulnerability for the vicarious - it tries to thinly disguise the erotica with a shred of historical and philosophical pretensions. So before leading onto exhibits of copulating tortoises or fornicating snakes - there is a short thesis " ....as for sex of human beings there are 2 characters , one is natural and animal and the other cultural.....the (balanced ) combination of these inclinations lead to the development of civilised society". Sure Vatsayana would agree. But there are other gems and jewels - both literal and literary. To get a peek into all that and more keep logging onto this space....( which, I admit has become notoriously erratic. And, that's not a typo please...even tho' it's close to midnight ).