Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How many gays do I know...or have in my life ?



A recent blog-post by my friend Raju N – the ‘Romantic Realist’ Ed of MINT – titled “How many Muslims do I have in your Newsroom…. ?” ( click here to read the full article) had got me going. Another e-mail forwarded by a respected elder – a former ambassador – ( see excerpt below) had me further worked up. So, this was meant to be my two-penny bit on secularism and minorities. But, half way down the piece, I was way-laid by the front page news item in today’s ToI – “Homosexuality a disease, says Government” (click here) and that set me thinking - how many gays do I really know ?

Dubbed in Kathmandu

Having studied in an all-boys missionary school – there were, of course, the odd brother or father, who were rumored to have been caught with their hands tucked under some junior’s ‘half-pants’. Though looking back, I can’t be certain they displayed pedophilic tendencies or just deviant expressions of pent up sexuality. To my mind, they were at best ( or worst) duo-sexual ( I think the commonly used term ‘bi-sexual’ is a misnomer). But, even denying them the benefit of doubt – I can’t think of any “declared” or “confirmed” gay or lesbian among my circle of friends and acquaintances – barring, perhaps, just two. One is a banker in London – cousin of a classmate and contemporary of some close friends with whom he studied engineering at IIT – Kanpur. The other is a well-known author – of Indian origin – who lives in Kathmandu – the “widowed” partner of a legendary artist and editor / author. Kathmandu is known to have a large gay population – though I have met a few of them socially can’t claim to know any of them well.

So, I have often wondered if it’s possible that there are some closet gays or lesbians I know – who are able to successfully hide their proclivities with a garb of hetro-sexual behaviour (in our society – even a lack of interest in women or vice-versa is often considered “normal”). I feel a little handicapped at not being endowed with my good “buddy” Farhad Wadia’s extra sensory powers of recognizing gays and ‘hookers’ in a crowd – ( who proudly claims that he has a "GAYDAR" - short for Gay RADAR, but he is not a HOMOphobe and has many gay friends - for the record!!). Now this inquiry in my mind is not arising – as you might suspect - out of any prurient interest but a genuine social ( if not sociological ) concern.

the 'unsuitable' question

The question that bothers me is – how would we deal with a gay in our midst, either in the family or at the work-place? Though today our newspapers have miles of column-centimeters on gay rights and TV channels are also airing shows on gay issues – I have seen from close quarters how journalist friends snigger and jibe at their allegedly gay colleagues on the editorial floor. Similarly, I have heard top artists make snide comments about their gay compatriots. Perhaps because of their ingrained diversity and sheer strength of numbers, the advertising agencies and other creative shops are probably a little more liberal (and, a wee-bit less judgemental)– but, still there is a very low level of acceptance even in the so-called enlightened circles. I believe it's not perchance, therefore, that - the known number of gays in Corporate India is extremely low.

We do have a Leila Seth writing in her autobiography about how she coped on coming to know that her son is gay. And, the other day I heard Vikram Seth talk about it openly in a Barkha Dutt show on NDTV ( Read: Morality cannot overshadow fundamental rights) . But, then every mother isn’t a former Chief Justice of High Court, just as every son isn’t an internationally acclaimed celebrity author. So, how do ordinary people in our societal context handle such a sensitive issue?

the 'Man of Steel' and his AK-47

I have heard parents joke as to how relieved they were – when their son actually proposed to a girl. Or, I remember a very senior bureaucrat telling us – how he had very gingerly broached to his rather reclusive musician son – confirming our stereotypical mindset – the question, if he was by any chance otherwise inclined and the young man shot back saying “ Dad, I don’t need your permission to be gay !!” And, there was this unkind corporate gossip doing the rounds some years back on how the ‘Czar of Steel’ lost his throne because of his excessive fondness for an AK-47, his protégé with the same initials whom he wanted to anoint as successor. (Much to the credit of the latter – he ‘moved in’ with his mentor and master, literally - lock, stock and barrel, when the former was forced to ‘move out’ and they lived happily together until his rather premature demise a couple of years ago. So much, for proverbial gay loyalty).

The bottom line being, according to me, why blame the government ? – as a society we still have a very long way to go before accepting persons of alternative sexual orientation and give them their rightful place in society. It will be a while before MSM and WSW become a part of our lexicon. Many who are crying hoarse on the subject – other than those who are directly affected – are at best doing a lip service to their cause. But, I guess we have to make a beginning somewhere. And, to that extent – I admire the very open-minded and bold stance taken by the judges of the Delhi High Court hearing the petition.

I can see some of you are convinced that, I must be in the throes of acute MLC (mid-life crisis) to take up such a topic for my blog. I admit that, so far I have steadfastly steered clear of issues of personal choice or preferences. But, I was emboldened after reading a blog of my young cousin on how to chose the perfect bra. Check-out: Rheality Check (click here)

Post Script:

Ambassador Deb Mukharji's Letter to the Secretary,
Vivekakanda International, New Delhi
**


Shri Mukul Kanitkar, Secretary
To: VK
International Delhi **


Dear Shri
Kanitkar

You may recall the invitation to me to speak at the
Vivekananda Kendra International in Chanakyapuri on July 2, 2008, on the current
developments in Nepal at your monthly Vimarsha programme. May I say that I
was greatly impressed by the courtesy and the efficiency of all
involved?

At the conclusion of my talk I was presented with a book
in gift wrapping which I was able to see only weeks later due to my absence from
Delhi and other pre-occupations. The book is titled 'Expressions of
Christianity:with a focus on India', published by Vivekananda Kendra Prakashan
Trust, Chennai.

The book is a compilation of articles which, in
short, viciously denigrates Christians and Christianity. The individual
pieces of information could be factually correct, as may have been the
information in Mother India of Katherine Mayo, described by Gandhiji as an
inspector of drains. While it is an unfortunate and inescapable fact that there
are people and organisations who may feel that the denigration of others
enhances themselves, I would like to place on record my deepest sense of shock
and humiliation that this kind of material is being published and distributed
under the banner of the name of one of the greatest sons of India.

May I add that such activity directly contravenes what you
mentioned to me in your introductory letter, and I quote, "In 1993 when this
precious plot of land was allotted to Kendra in the prime diplomatic area of
Chanakyapuri; the grand vision of a centre for inter-civilizational dialogue and
spreading of Sanatana thought to the humanity was envisaged." There cannot be
dialogue on the basis of denigration and hatred.

Needless to say,
such hate literature acquires some relevance in the context of what is happening
in Orissa and Karnataka today.

I would like to inform you that this
letter is being forwarded to other Indian citizens who may feel
concerned.

Deb Mukharji 15.10.2008.

** Vivekananda International Centre, Chanakyapuri, New Delhi is a branch of the Vivekananda Kendra, Kanyakumari and is in no way connected to the Ramakrishna Mission and Math


12 comments:

  1. Really broadening your 'blog horizons' huh?! Have you run out of beautiful women and bars!!!

    On a more serious note...good on you for broaching an issue where not many Indians want to go. Maybe someday the mindset here will shift and become more liberal......after all we are all just humans!!!!

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  2. You know I was just wondering how the term "duo-sexual" is actually any different from "bi-sexual" since you did say it was a misnomer in your opinion, but I don't really see a difference between the two.

    Also I think that in India the culture still doesn't allow for many people to be openly gay, I mean even in the US there are lots of people in the closet or who just don't bring it up unless necessary. I mean it may be more accepted in the US but it is by no means common place and I would imagine that if it is difficult to be open here then it must be leaps and bounds more difficult in more conservative societies.

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  3. Yet another enjoyable and thought provoking blogg. Here's a longish comment.

    In liberal circles there's not much room to disagree on gay rights both at individual and societal level. The fundamental question is why the acceptance is so much delayed in India and to a great extent most parts of the world. Probably, the difficulty arises from our inability to separate sexuality, let alone homosexuality, from perversion.

    A second cousin of mine is probably homosexual and leads a life of celibacy. Families wonder why he doesn't get married and lead a "normal" life. I wonder why do these seasoned family members refuse to accept that he is gay. On the other hand, a great many Indian gays are married and leading "normal" life (imagine the screen play of “My Gay Father”).These are standard, well meaning human beings like you and me. Sex, like for the heterosexual, only complements their emotional needs. Unfortunately, in our society most gays either live a life of suppressed sexuality or live two lives, one under the light and the other in private, like having an affair.

    Would the riot of sexual urges under the cloak of normal life lead to slipping a hand through the “half pant” of a child or other nastier things? Leaving aside sexual exploration among friends, boy-scout contemporaries - I had been "molested" by servants, strangers in buses, even been subject to an attempted rape in Jamshedpur train station by a ticket collector. Given my physique and nature, I will be surprised if I form part of a significant minority among Indian kids (particularly who blissfully led a reasonably unsupervised life).

    When I look back at those instances some 30 years back, the question that comes to mind, having excluded the youthful explorations, were these people gays or perverts? I am more than certain that most of them, if not all, were perverts. It had nothing whatsoever to do with pent up gay urges or even paedophilic tendencies. It is straight forward, vanilla flavoured perversion. Easiest preys are children. Propinquity to boys raises fewer eyebrows. So, they go for it. They are not looking for gay sex or they have a preference to have sex with children. They are simply sexual predators. Well, gays too like their straight counterparts could be pervert and paedophiles are indeed, perverts. But a greater understanding of sexual perversion will probably lift the blinkers that we have towards gays, though may not still be enough to get rid of the prejudices.

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  4. Dear Sandip,

    I decided to react to your blog after many months of quietly reading, what is arguably one of the most varied and entertaining blog site that I regularly visit.

    Your blog keeps me in touch with.. and also in many cases entertainingly educates me about my mother country.

    About the gay issues.. I suppose my love for my child would not diminish if he would come and tell me that he is gay. He would be free to marry the man of his choice and hopefully he will also be afforded same tax previleges by the state as a "normal" couple.

    However, for me the equal rights end here.

    I cannot understand why the courts should allow gay people to adopt children. I cannot imagine the emotional scars on a little child when he introduces his parents to his teachers in a PTA meeting.. John is my dad and Andrew is my mom. I think this amounts to torturing a small mind and should not be accepted.

    A lot of support for the gay movement disappears when a fringe group tries to take gay equal rights to another extreme. Remember.. that the feminist movement was dealt a blow by the bra burners.. till the mainstreamers rescued the movement.

    The gays also require a few mainstreamers to help them getting better accepted!

    Sandeep

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  5. I have difficuly understanding why we have to provide the Gay community another category....the rest of the sexual diaspora don't have a special category...so why them ? Sexual preferences need not become a communal debate. Incidentally are there Gay animals ...or do the homo sapiens occupy another unique place in creation ?

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  6. In many ways you answered your own question Sandip with the reference to the school we shared. We all knew there were a few closet gays among the teaching staff. I think we all knew who they were as well but I don't remember it making a difference to our interaction with them.

    Do I have any gays in my circle of friends. Not really but I don't have too many Chinese either I can count as acquaintances. Maybe there just isn't a large enough number of either variety or maybe I just don't have enough friends.

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  7. Feel quite strongly about the issue of 'acceptance' by parties who really don't care but will still have a say. I'm not aware of the Indian govt's position on the 'gay' issue. But I guess the legality aspect does make it a case for public opinion, hence the need for 'acceptance' by society.

    I just know a few people who I think may be gay thanks to the closet factor in Indian society. But what I have read about gays and have heard from friends who have gay friends, they are very genuine and creative people. Don't we need such people in society?

    Last week we attended a wedding and during the course of the evening there was a game planned for couples to measure their compatibility quotient. Some couples from the invitees were invited to join and the so was a gay couple who did so just as the others. They were described by the MC, who knows them well, as the most well-adjusted couple he has met, cohabiting for 25 years. Can we actually say that of many so called real (read heterosexual) marriages?

    Can the govt decide on that ?!

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  8. Dear Sandip,

    There are more anonymous comments on your post,than people who have left their identity.

    I guess it still reamins a little bit of under the wraps- kind of issue.Good going,great writing

    Warm regards,

    Samil Malhotra

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  9. Nice article.
    I know one gay woman, but I have long been considering coming out of my convent walls and trying out homosexuality, since the "straight" path has led me nowhere!

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  10. In response to a question asked on this page, there are gay animals as well. Bears have long been known to be gay, and a number of other species also. If required I can research this. Shamita.

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  11. It is not possible for a 'straight' to accept the 'gays' and at the same time, it's very odd to imagine ownslf as a 'straight', being a gay.

    However, I believe that it's all about personal inner feeling and nothing else. Our society do accept the 'straights' easily due to it's conventional attitude.

    By the way, here I would like to mention about a personal experience regarding someone who somehow is very close to me, was never a gay. But, for some reason, people had started recognizing him as a 'gay' all of a sudden.

    After giving this issue a good deep thinking, I have realized that the baseless alligation was well spreaded by a few people whom I do recognize as 'enemies' of achievers in general.

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  12. Dear Mr.Ghose,

    The *intellectual distance* you have maintained is understandable. But for someone who has seen the tragic tale of 2 dear friends who were homosexuals and separated by their parents, its unpleasant nostalgia.

    Similar to you, having grown up in an all-girls convent and college, saw and heard many stories. Whether true or not, I am a staunch supporter of their rights.

    People may find making movies about physical/mental handicap fashionable. But for those who have seen/experienced it from close quarters, its not glamorous. "Black" movie was one of the worst attempts at it.
    People stand far, analyse and perceive "Art" in it. For those who live with it, harsh reality is worse than the colour black.

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